Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
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