I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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