A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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