i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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