The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
