does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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