Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
