you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
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