i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
We just shotgunned beers for America
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
