not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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