May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
