Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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