Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
