My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Randomize
