worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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