I am full of burrito and curiosity
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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