When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Randomize
