i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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