it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
