Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
