Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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