I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
