I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
