Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
