You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
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