My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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