I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
