The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
