she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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