AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
