After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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