I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
