Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
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