if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
