Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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