one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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