mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
