so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
