Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
