I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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