remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
