just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
