Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
