I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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