Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
