a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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