I need help removing her.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
