I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
