You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Ladies don't puke and tell
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
