I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
