Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
